The Grater Family Blog

Everyone I spoke with about Burke before he was born told me roughly the same thing. "Your life is going to change forever" "The experience is something I can't really describe" "It is mind blasting". Well that is all very true however, I'm wondering right now if I can describe the experience.
Throughout the pregnancy my biggest concern was Rachel's well being. I worried a bit about her body being able to handle the whole thing after her myomectomy. Knowing that she could not go into hard labor caused us to make prepare for most any situation where Rachel might go into labor but not to really worry that much about any of it. That is until the day of the scheduled cesarean birth.
On the way to the hospital at 5am we were both getting overwhelmed with thoughts of what might go wrong, if we were really ready, and generally just starting to freak out a bit. Every other worry that hadn't really crossed my mind for the previous 9 months flooded in at once. At the same time I, being the control freak I am, was trying to keep things calm and carefree for Rachel's sake. That didn't really work for a minute but we pulled it back together by the time we got to the hospital.
In the L&D unit we got Rachel prepped for surgery and the anxiety was building but in an exciting way this time. We joked away the jitters while various doctors and nurses would come in to brief us on what was about to happen. Then the time came and Rachel was wheeled away. I couldn't go in for the spinal but would follow as soon as she was prepared for the surgery. During this short time apart I made a little video telling Burke how excited we were to meet him. Then they called me in.
Rachel was lying on the table with just her head poking out from a sterile field curtain. She was shaking like a leaf from nerves. My typical response to someone I love freaking out is to go into a deeper calm. My objective from that point on was to try and set her at ease. It turns out that comforting the love of your life while standing two feet away from 2 people filleting her open is not as easy as you might think ;). Every couple of seconds I looked up to see what was going on and give her a status report. I had to allow my mind to completely freak out at what I was seeing (because that cannot be helped in this situation) and at the same time keep my expressions totally neutral so as to allow her to be comforted. What a mind bending experience that was for me. I can't really speak for Rachel, I hope she will post her experience sometime, but I'll bet she was filled with anxiety throughout the entire experience because of her limited viewpoint.
After about 30 minutes of careful cutting, cauterizing, etc.. Dr. Rose (who was two weeks from her own delivery at this point) said we were getting really close. I remember not being able to see and moving the video camera around every which way trying to get a view of the actual moment he came into the world. I got so excited and overwhelmed at this exciting climactic moment that for days I believed that I didn't get any of it on video. It turns out I got the whole thing! We're so glad to have that on video so we can relive it over and over again. It was a complete freak out moment for me. This is where the phrase we're always joking about "Mind Blasting" came into play. His little purple head popped out facing me and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A second later they had the rest of him out laying on Rachel's legs getting his cord pinched off. Then they held him over the sterile shield above Rachel's face. She'll have to describe what that moment was like for her. For me it was overwhelming watching her seeing her baby for the first time. Then he was passed to two pediatricians who started assessing him. Counting fingers, toes, stimulating him to encourage crying. His first act of defiance was to pee on one of the pediatricians.
I'm not sure when it started but at this point I realized I was crying which is something I have only done a couple of times in my adult life. To say that crying is a rare thing for me is a huge understatement. It isn't that I've ever had anything against it, or that I'm not a sensitive caring person, it just has never come naturally for some reason. Well all that has changed now. My theory is that the anesthesiologist crept up behind me during the early part of the surgery and knocked me out with some potion. Then they put me on a table right next to Rachel and implanted an ovary somewhere in my body. I say that because it is like a switch has been flipped and the dumbest things get me misty since that moment when Burke was born. I can't make it through love songs, sad stories, or even dumb sitcoms trying to be serious for a moment that is typically laughable without tearing up a little. The fact that I'm posting feelings for friends and family to read is proof that I've been altered in some way.
As anyone who's been tracking this blog has seen, I filmed the meeting of Burke & his Mom. That was such a great moment to see the joy on Rachel's face and hear that in her voice as well. After the introductions were over Burke and I headed off to the nursery for his first bath and a couple more assessments. They checked his breathing often and felt all his bones, etc.. for malformations, breaks, or any other issues that might need attention. I remember thinking to myself "all this worry will go away once he's born and I know he's healthy". Once again I was way off the mark on that one. Standing in the nursery staring at my little 7lb boy under the heater I began to think of how horrible it would be for any of these tests they're running on him to come back with serious issues. In the week that has passed since then I've come to realize that those kinds of worries will never completely go away. I believe you can't live life worrying about things you can't control or you'll grow old too quickly and miss out on enjoying all the good stuff. Still it is hard not to worry about the little guy in his current tiny fragile state. It is such a mix of emotions with all this new stress and worry going on while you're so happy to have a healthy little guy finally here to hold and care for. While in the nursery I talked to Burke about all the things his Mom had gone through to get him here... What it was like for her trying again and again to conceive without success, the sorrow of a miscarriage, the pain and risks of having fibroids removed, and all the other more common things that an expectant mother goes through like 3 months of throwing up etc... I don't think he really appreciates it but maybe someday he will. Meanwhile I was very anxious to hear that Rachel made it to recovery and that things were going well. Finally I was able to bring Burke to her so he could eat.
Since that moment we've pretty much been together with Burke eating, sleeping, & pooping while we stare at him and talk about how great he is. The first week has been hectic with 6 doctor's appointments, UV lights, home surgery, etc.. but through it all Burke has been perfect in every way.
Well that's pretty much my birth experience and the week that followed. There's a lot more detail to the story but I hope you've had a glimpse into what it was like for this new Dad.

Wheeling Rachel out of the hospital. Sorry for the size of the pics you'll have to click on each one to make them larger.

The Ride Home. Dad is driving slow.

Burke Makes it Home Safe.

We have had a couple issues to complicate the coming home party. Rachel's wound has opened up a little and needs special care and trips to the doc. Burke has Jaundice and has to spend all of his time under the UV lights. Luckily we were able to get a home unit and watch him. We just have to watch his temp every 15 minutes and make sure the pads don't come off the eyes which loves to move.

Great News!!!! After just one very long night under the lights Burke's bilirubin levels are coming down. Six more hours today and he can come off the lights! Way to go buddy!